Star Wars, A New Hope: The Abridged Parody
by Half Blood-Jedi-Warlock
Summary: The Imps are rising. Obi-Wan Kenobi hides in the desert, and procrastinates on saving Princess Leia until she sends him a distress message in a certain droid. Han Solo and Chewbacca don't care. Luke Skywalker is the Rebel Alliance's Plan A, with no backup if he fails. Then Darth Vader shows up and threatens them all. Who shall conveniently save the day?
1. Chapter 1: Captured by Darth Maskie

**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. As a result, no credits can be made from this story.**

* * *

**During the Intro, Audience's Reaction:** (_Words fly past the screen too quickly to read_) HUH?!

_On board the Tantive IV, as it gets sucked into the Imperial Cruiser._

**Rebel 1:** Oh boy, I can't wait to meet Darth Vader!

**Rebel 2:** No way, you idiot! We're for the Princess, remember?

**Rebel 3:** No time to respond, the Imps are coming!

**Rebel 1:** Oh shoot. I hate Imps.

**Rebel 3:** So shoot the Imps!

**Rebel 2:** Ah I'm shot. I'm dead (_flops over_).

**Rebel 1:** Now I really, really hate Imps.

* * *

**Leia:** Take that, you stubborn stuck-up trashcan! (_sticks a data card into R2D2_)

**R2D2:** Beep boop beep boop breeeeeep!

**C3PO:** We're gonna die.

**Leia:** No you aren't, you're gonna get into that escape pod while I get captured.

**C3PO:** Oh my, really?

**Leia:** Just watch me.

_Leia gets captured_.

**C3PO:** Let's go into this metal ball thingy, R2. So long, Princess! Have fun being captured! _They launch escape pod into space._

* * *

_Captured Rebs walk by the Princess, being escorted to Vader._

**Rebel 1:** Thanks a lot, Princess.

**Leia:** Shut up. Oh hi Darth Maskie.

**Darth:** It's Darth Vader. You hid the plans in one of those metal ball thingys, I want them.

**Leia:** It's _escape pod_, Darth.

**Darth:** The plans.

**Leia:** What plans?

**Darth:** Liar, liar, pants on fire.

**Leia:** Too bad I'm wearing a dress.

**Darth:** Whatever. Come with me aboard my not-so-secret Death Star, I've got a nice cell with your name on it.

**Leia:** No way!

**Darth:** Yes way! _The Stormtroopers take her away_.


	2. Chapter 2: Let's Leave This Sandball!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. As a result, no credits can be made from this story.**

* * *

_After landing on Tatooine and being picked up by Jawas…_

**C3PO:** R2, be nice to the Jawas.

**R2:** Beep beeeeeeeeep boop!

**C3PO:** Control your language, R2! They are annoying little creatures, but if we are nice, they'll sell us to a nice person. But how are we supposed to stay together?

**R2:** Beep boop whistle.

**C3PO:** It'll never work (_Does R2's idea, talks to other robot_). Hey you, Red.

**Red:** Breeep?

**C3PO:** Pretend to break down if a person chooses you and one of us.

**Red:** Beep beep.

**Random Jawa:** Hoo hoo, ha! Ojeibywa guaaaha!

**C3PO:** People are coming to buy us. Hooray! We'll be free!

**R2:** Beeeeep boop beep beep!

**C3PO:** I am not stupid.

**R2:** Beep beep aiowww.

**C3PO:** Whatever.

**Luke:** (_whining_) Why can't I go to the Imp Space Academy like Biggs, Uncle Owen?

**Uncle:** Because I hate Imps, they make me pay too many taxes.

**Luke:** Why?

**Uncle:** Stop whining and pick a droid. I'll randomly choose a shiny golden translator droid.

**Luke:** Okay. I pick that one (_Points to Red the robot_).

**Uncle:** Alright. (_Walks to 3PO_) Do you interpret?

**C3PO:** What? No, I translate. I am-

**Uncle:** A translator droid, duh. I need you for my farm, since your first owner stole you from me. Come with me.

**Random Jawa:** Arugghaa, rytcha!

**Uncle:** Fine, I'll pay for both.

_Red Robot breaks down._

**Luke:** Stupid Jawas selling me stupid robots.

**Uncle:** (_To Jawas_) You ripping me off?

**C3PO:** (_Points to R2_) That one's stubborn and useless, but he's my friend. A real bargain.

**Luke:** I'll take Goldie and his friend, Uncle Owen!

**Uncle:** Good. _Throws money at Random Jawa_.

* * *

_R2 has run away from Luke (hmm, wonder why). Luke foolishly wandering the Jundland Canyons with nothing but a translator droid for protection…_

**Luke:** Stupid little blue droid. He's keeping me from my work. All his nonsense about finding some Kenobi person and a princess. Sounds fishy to me.

**C3PO:** Oh do stop whining, Sir Luke. Look, there he is!

**R2:** Beep!

**C3PO:** What are you doing, you obtuse little trashcan?

**R2:** Beep! Whistle! Alarm! Boop!

**Luke:** What'd he say?

**C3PO:** The ugly vicious Sand People are here.

**Luke:** WHAT?!

_Ugly vicious Sand People start to beat up Luke and C3PO._

**Luke:** (faints)

_Mystery Man enters, saves Luke from ugly vicious Sand People._

**Luke:** Huh?

**Mystery Man:** Hi Luke.

**Luke:** Oh it's you, Ben. This R2 droid thinks that some old guy named Obi-Wan Kenobi lives here. Has a message for him.

**Ben:** Obi-Wan Kenobi… why, that's me!

**Luke:** You?

**Ben:** Me.

**Luke:** Really?

**Ben:** Really.

**Luke:** Wow.

**Ben:** By the way, your father was a Jedi.

**Luke:** That's a random fact.

**Ben:** No, it's the truth. Here is his lightsaber.

**Luke:** Wow (_almost slices head off_).

**Ben:** Now, what message did you have for me?

**R2:** (shows him and Luke message from Princess Leia)

**Luke:** Whoa dude. Let's go rescue her!

**Ben:** Let's go get a prideful pilot first.

* * *

_Inside Mos Eisley Bar…_

**Han Solo:** I'm the captain of _Millennium Falcon_. And this is my co-pilot, Chewbacca.

**Luke:** You're the captain of a thousand birds?

**Solo:** Shut up, kid. She's my ship.

**Luke:** No, you shut up!

**Ben:** Calm down, Luke. Solo, we want you to take us to Alderaan, with 2 droids and no Imps.

**Solo:** Hmmm.

**Ben:** I'll pay you and your hairball.

**Solo:** How much?

**Ben:** Over 20 grand.

**Solo:** I'm in. Uh oh, I see Imps. Hop in, boys! _Ship takes off_.


	3. Chapter 3: Torture with Stinky Tarkin

**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. As a result, no credits can be made from this story.**

* * *

_Aboard Death Star…_

**Leia:** Stop that asthmatic wheezing, Darth, it's getting on my nerves.

**Darth:** Umm…

**Leia:** Hi Grand Moff Tarkin. You stink.

**Tarkin:** Literally or figuratively?

**Leia:** Both.

**Tarkin:** Grrrrr. Where's the Rebel Base, Princess?

**Leia:** I don't know. Dantooine, maybe?

**Tarkin:** Yeah right, take her away!

**Darth:** (_inside Leia's prison cell_) Tell me about the Rebel Base, or else this torture probe will stick needles into you.

**Leia:** Pine needles? Ha-ha, so scary.

**Darth:** (glares)

**Leia:** (hopefully) I hope they're hypoallergenic.

**Darth:** Sorry Princess, they're not. _Door shuts_.

* * *

_In Control Room of Death Star…_

**Tarkin:** My battle station is so powerful!

**Leia:** Oh really.

**Tarkin:** Yeah, watch, your planet's gonna blow.

**Leia:** No!

**Tarkin:** Teehee, yes. Goodbye Alderaan!

_Planet explodes._

**Leia:** Boohoohoo!

**Tarkin:** Too bad. Oh by the way, you're gonna be terminated.

**Leia:** Boohoohoohoo!


	4. Chapter 4: Escape from the Evil Bad Guys

**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. As a result, no credits can be made from this story.**

* * *

_Meanwhile…_

**Ben:** Wow. I just feel horribly depressed all of a sudden.

**Solo:** Keep up your spirits, old man. Here we are, at Alderaan… oh wait, this is an asteroid belt.

**Luke:** Where's the planet?

**Solo:** I guess it's now the asteroid belt, kid. Something happened to blow it up.

**Ben:** Duh. I felt it.

**Solo:** Wait there's a moon.

**Ben:** It's a space station, dummy.

**Chewie:** (roars frantically)

**Solo:** Oh no it's pulling us in! The engine's failing!

**C3PO:** We're gonna die.

**R2:** Beep beep breeeep boooooop beep beep!

**Luke:** (points to controls) What's that flashing?

**Solo:** Shut up, all of you!

**Ben:** The Imps are gonna board this ship, you know.

**Solo:** Oh I know, we can just hide from them!

**Ben:** Great. Now Vader's gonna sense me.

* * *

_A few minutes later…_

**Solo:** Ok guys they're gone, I think they put a tracker beam on my ship though.

**Luke:** We have to get disguises if we go out!

**Solo:** Ok. Let's beat up some Imps.

_They beat up some Imps and take their armor._

**Ben:** You guys go on and rescue the Princess; I'll turn off the tracker beam and face Vader alone.

**Luke:** Ben… is that wise?

**Ben:** Shut up. May the Force be with you.

_Ben leaves._

**Solo:** Wow, where'd you find that grumpy old fossil?

**Luke:** Tatooine. C3, where's the Princess?

**R2:** Beep Beep Alarm!

**C3PO:** She's gonna die. Like us.

**Solo:** Ok, now I'm not so sure about rescuing this Princess.

**Chewie:** (agrees)

**Luke:** They're gonna kill her!

**Solo:** So?

**Luke:** She's rich.

**Solo:** Ok, fine, I'll do it. I'm mad, let's beat up some more Imps.

_They beat up some more Imps._

**Solo:** Oh Princess? Where are you?

**Luke:** Over here! (_Walks into cell_) Hi!

**Leia:** Hi there.

**Luke:** I'm Luke Skywalker. He's Han Somebody, and that's Chewie, and we're here with Ben Kenobi.

**Leia:** Yay! Hey everybody, I'm tired of these Imps, let's jump in this random trash bin.

**Everybody:** Ok.

**Leia:** Oh great my dress got dirty.

**Solo:** Who cares, your Worship?

**Chewie:** (pounds on door) _Translation: I'm claustrophobic!_

**Luke:** Ah creepy animal!

_Starts drowning in 7 inches of water._

**Solo:** (_shoots animal_) Gosh, kid.

**Luke:** Um, thanks.

_Trash bin begins to compact everything. R2 stops trash bin miraculously, inches away from crushing occupants inside. They get out of trash bin and head for Han's ship with the droids._

**R2:** beep beep beep beep breeeep!

**C3PO:** You are NOT a hero. You're just a stupid blue can full of rubbish and prideful thoughts.

**Luke:** Hey, there's Ben fighting Darth Maskie!

**Ben:** (smiles) Bye Luke! Nice knowing you! _He is killed and disappears._

**Leia:** Huh?

**Luke:** NO!

**Solo:** Great, kid, see what you did? Now all the Imps are after us.

_They escape from Death Star_.


	5. Chapter 5: Suicide Mission

**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. As a result, no credits can be made from this story.**

* * *

_In Rebel Control Room…_

**Commander:** We have the Death Star plans, and we're gonna blow those Imps away!

**Wedge/Reb Pilot 1:** How?

**Commander:** Step 1, pilot- Get in your ships. Step 2- Hope nobody shoots you down. Step 3- Shoot some bombs down a random hole. Step 4- Drive away and hope that the bombs explode the thing. This is Plan A, Rebs.

**Reb Pilot 3:** What if it doesn't work?

**Commander:** We'll try Plan B.

**Reb Pilot 4:** What's Plan B?

**Commander:** Repeat Plan A, teehee! Ingenious idea, if I don't say so myself.

**Wedge:** Um, I doubt that…

**Commander:** You say something, soldier?

**Wedge:** Um… Never mind. What if we get shot?

**Commander:** Oh well. And on that happy note, this meeting is ended. May the Force be with you… hopefully.

**Rebel Pilots:** Alright!

**Luke:** Hey Biggs!

**Darklighter/Reb Pilot 5:** What's up Luke? Ready to bomb the Imps?

**Luke:** Yeah, can't wait. See ya later, Biggs! Bye Han.

**Solo:** Bye kid. I'm rich, so I'm leaving, although the Rebels need me.

**Luke:** What, you're deserting? Take care of yourself then; I guess that's what you're best at.

**Solo:** Whatever. Even though I don't believe it exists, may the Force be with you.

**Luke:** Ok fine, bye.

* * *

_Aboard Death Star, Darth Vader is talking to Emperor Uglyface…_

**Emperor:** There is a disturbance in the Force, and it's coming in one of the Rebel X-wings heading your way. Shoot it down.

**Darth:** As you wish, Master, but what is the name of this disturbance?

**Emperor:** Luke Skywalker. Why do you want to know?

**Darth:** I like to know my enemy. _Leaves in his fighter ship_.

* * *

_In space above Death Star…_

**Reb Pilot 3:** Cover me, I'm dropping bombs down that random hole!

**Luke:** What?

**Reb Pilot 3:** Shut up, you know what I mean.

**Luke:** Roger that, I got your back.

**Reb Pilot 3:** They're in… oh wait they're not.

**Darth:** (in his ship) Teehee. _Shoots Pilot 3_.

**Reb Pilot 3:** I'm hit! _Dies_.

**Wedge:** Watch out, guys, 1 more on the left!

**Darklighter:** Duh, I see it. Dude, Red Two, you're driving like a drunk!

**Reb Pilot 2:** This guy won't get off my tail! Ahhhh!

_Darth exterminates Pilot 2_.

**Reb Pilot 4:** I'm shooting, guys. Stay on target…

**Luke:** Look out!

**Reb Pilot 4:** Stay on target… Ahhhhh!

_Darth kills Pilot 4_.

**Luke:** Biggs, Wedge, get outta there, you're not doing any good behind me! Leave my back unguarded!

**Wedge:** Gosh, Luke, you're so encouraging. Fine, I'll go.

**Darklighter:** Not a wise idea, Luke.

**Darth:** I think the same… _Guns down Biggs_.

**Darklighter**: Ahhhh, he hit me! _Dies, sad music plays Taps_.

**Darth:** I have you now, my little disturbance-in-the-Force. (Aims at Luke)

**Random Voice:** HIYAH! _Shoots Darth, who goes spinning merrily into space._

_Random Voice turns out to be Han Solo, who happens to save poor Luke from becoming toast at the last second_.

**Solo:** Hey kid, I'm back for no reason. Maybe I like the Princess… but that doesn't count right now. Anyway, shoot it and let's go!

**Luke:** Wow, you're back. I can't believe it.

**Solo:** Just shoot the dang thing, will ya?

**Luke:** Ok. _Shoots Death Star._

**Tarkin:** (_in Control Room_) Huh?

**Death Star:** KABOOM!


	6. Chapter 6: We're Alive! Let's Go Party!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. As a result, no credits can be made from this story.**

* * *

_At the Rebel Celebration…_

**Luke:** Yay me!

**Solo:** Hey, share some fame! Remember, I saved your miserable life.

**Luke:** My life isn't miserable!

**Solo:** It certainly isn't now…

**Chewie:** (laughs)

_They step up on the stage._

**Leia:** Rebels, friends, relatives, and anybody else I forgot to mention… We are here today to celebrate some heroes who saved our Rebellion. I give you Luke Skywalker, who just happened to fire the single shot that exploded the Death Star; Han Solo, who just happened to show up at the last second to save Luke, who would've died; Chewbacca the Wookie, who just happened to be with Han when he saved Luke; R2D2, who just happened to be carrying the plans to defeat the Death Star… oh, and C3PO, who just happened to be around all the time!

_She hands them medals._

**Everybody:** (cheers and claps)

THE END


End file.
